Practical guides · Family

How to tell my family I want a child on my own

Your parents will probably worry, for you and for the child. Most of their worries come from love, and many of them have a clear answer. Start with a plan, start with one person you trust, and give your family time.

Checked October 2026Practical advice, and the law where it matters

Your family is part of the plan

In many families, from India to Vietnam, a child does not grow up with one parent only. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are often part of daily life. They may help with care, with money, or with a place to live. So telling your family is not only about getting their approval. It is about the people who will love and help your child.

You know your family better than anyone. Some parents accept the news quickly. Others need months. Some never fully agree, but still love the grandchild when the child arrives. You cannot control how they react. You can control how well you prepare.

In Indonesia, your parents also matter in law

This is important if you live in Indonesia and are thinking of Option A. Since 2 January 2026, the new Criminal Code (KUHP, Law No. 1 of 2023) makes sex between two people who are not married to each other an offence (article 411). The maximum is 1 year in prison or a fine of up to Rp10,000,000. Living together as husband and wife without being married is a separate offence (article 412), with a maximum of 6 months.

The police cannot start these cases on their own. Only certain people can make a complaint. For an unmarried woman, that means her parents, or her own child aged 16 or over. A complaint can be withdrawn until the court hearing starts. In Aceh, the province’s own Islamic criminal law (Qanun Aceh No. 6 of 2014) also applies to Muslims.

So in Indonesia, how your parents feel about your plan is not only a family question. Do not choose a way to get pregnant that would be an offence if they complained. The guide Having a child alone: the law explains what is lawful in Indonesia, and Treatment abroad explains the routes outside the country.

For Muslim women in Malaysia, the question is different: Syariah offences laws apply whatever the family thinks. The law guide explains this too.

“What will people say?”

This is often the first question, and it is a real one. Neighbours and relatives may talk. Your parents may fear for their own name in the community. Listen to this fear. Do not laugh at it. Then help them see the whole picture: the child, the plan, and the people who will help.

Many worries are about the child’s future. Here are facts you can share:

“The child will have no papers.” In India, the Supreme Court ruled in 2015 that an unmarried mother can get a birth certificate on her own affidavit, without naming the father. In Cambodia, the registrar may not refuse to register a birth because the father’s details are missing (Civil Registration Law 2023, art. 25). See Registering the birth for each country.
“The child will not be fully yours.” In Thailand, a child born to an unmarried woman is by law her legitimate child (Civil and Commercial Code, s.1546). In India, under Hindu law, the mother is the natural guardian of a child born outside marriage (Hindu Minority and Guardianship Act 1956, s.6(b)).
“The child will inherit nothing.” In Vietnam, all biological children inherit in equal shares (Civil Code 2015, art. 651). In Indonesia, under Islamic law, the child inherits from the mother and her family (Compilation of Islamic Law, art. 186). Rules on the father differ from country to country. See The child’s inheritance.
“Who will look after the child?” Show them your plan: who helps with care, how you will pay, and what public help exists. See Raising a child alone.
“What about your marriage?” This one is for you to answer. You can say simply that you have thought about it, and that your choice is made.

Faith

If faith matters in your family, it will be part of the conversation. Treat it with respect, even if you see things differently from your parents.

Muslim families: the Indonesian Ulema Council (MUI), in its fatwa No. 11 of 2012, says plainly that a child born outside marriage bears no sin. In Islamic family law in Indonesia and Malaysia, the child belongs to the mother and her family (Compilation of Islamic Law, art. 100; Islamic Family Law (Federal Territories) Act 1984, s.85). Your family may also want to know who will act as wali for a daughter’s marriage one day. In these cases a wali hakim, appointed through the religious office, can act.
Hindu, Buddhist and Christian families: each community is different, and so is each temple, monastery or church. Some leaders are more open than parents expect. In India, the Supreme Court case that protected unmarried mothers in 2015 was brought by a Christian mother.

If you wish, speak first with a religious teacher you trust, before you speak to the whole family. Their calm words can help your parents more than any argument from you.

When to tell them

There is no perfect time. No study has measured the best moment. These points come from experience:

Before you are pregnant, if you can. Your family then hears a plan, not a surprise. They have time to ask questions.
When your plan is clear. Know how you will get pregnant, lawfully in your country, how you will pay, and who will help.
At a calm moment. Not at a festival, a wedding or a family crisis. Choose a quiet day, in private.

Start with one person you trust

You do not need to tell everyone at once. Many women start with one trusted relative: a sister, a cousin, an aunt, or the parent who listens best. This person can help you choose words, and can stand next to you when you tell the others. A grandmother or an aunt who is on your side can change the mood of a whole family.

What to say

Prepare your answers. Write down the questions you expect, and your answer to each one, in a few short words.
Listen first. Let them say what worries them. Then answer one worry at a time.
Do not ask for agreement on the same day. Give them time, and come back to it later.
Keep private things private. You do not have to share every detail about the father or about how you will get pregnant. Share what helps them trust the plan.

You could begin like this: “I have thought about this for a long time, and I want to talk to you about something important to me. I want to have a child. I will explain my plan, and you can ask me anything.”

The child’s questions later

One day the child will ask: “Who is my father?” or “Why is our family different?” Many parents find that a truth which grows with the child works best. Start early, with simple words, and add detail as the child grows. Do not tell a story you will have to take back later.

In Option A, the child knows the father from the start, through calls and visits. That makes the answer easier: “Your father lives in another country, and he loves you.” Ask your family to use the same simple words, so the child hears one story, not several.

Checked October 2026. Laws change: check the rules in force in your country. The advice on this page comes from experience, not from a study.

Sources

Indonesia: Law No. 1 of 2023 on the Criminal Code (KUHP), arts 79, 411, 412 and 624, with the elucidation of art. 411, checked October 2026.
Indonesia: Qanun Aceh No. 6 of 2014 on Hukum Jinayat, art. 5, checked October 2026.
Indonesia: Compilation of Islamic Law (Presidential Instruction No. 1 of 1991), arts 100 and 186; MUI Fatwa No. 11 of 2012, 10 March 2012, checked October 2026.
Malaysia: Islamic Family Law (Federal Territories) Act 1984 (Act 303), s.85; Syariah Criminal Offences (Federal Territories) Act 1997 (Act 559), s.23; Ministry of Health Selangor leaflet on children born out of wedlock, 2010, checked October 2026.
India: ABC v. State (NCT of Delhi), Supreme Court, 6 July 2015, paras 7 and 19; Hindu Minority and Guardianship Act 1956, s.6(b), checked October 2026.
Thailand: Civil and Commercial Code, s.1546, checked October 2026.
Vietnam: Civil Code No. 91/2015/QH13, art. 651, checked October 2026.
Cambodia: Law on Civil Registration, Vital Statistics and Identification, 2023, art. 25 (Khmer text), checked October 2026.

Your family will want to know who the father is. His tests and their dates are on his health and fertility.